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Found…

We were packing our stuff to relocate  to a new apartment..I had to clear all the clutter ,pack the valuables safely and arrange everything in order. It was tough and messy job. .Reluctantly I statred doing ,and took hold of old boxes from the almirah. This box was full of old books,i wiped the dust out and started picking the books , some management books,some banking… some magazine’s and there underneth the corner I saw a diary .Carefully i took it, a certain feeling  happiness  filled my heart  as knew it was my old diary .It had so many memories within ,that diary was my beloved friend,my compamion  of sorrow. I dusted it  ,the soft denim cover which I had wrapped it  was still intact, the glitters still had there shine. As the pages fell in my hand I could feel that pleasant musty smell .I took it and sat near the window I wanted to read it all.

I admired myself for decorating and keeping it so well.  I had kept it there many years back.. still it was well .My handwriting looked so different. My language, my style everything looked different.I read it page by page ,  memories flashed across my eyes. I could still feel the pain i went through ,but the small happy moments which i have noted in that diary made me smile.I have almost forgotten them .It’s so strange we remember the worst ,bad moments and forget the happy times.The diary made me relive and cherish those moments again. I had a strange feeling ,I was happy and sad at the same time .

I went through the pages and found the poems I had written.I think those days my creative mind was on high spirts  .The poems were good ,as if someone else had written them .I could’nt beleive it was me writing them. They sounded mature and good. Proud of my lost skill I went further down the pages.I had scripped  lot of quotations  of renowed people around the world . I don’t remmember why I did so but all were indeed good. I came across the last page ,though there were still empty pages left but this was last written page .I stated to read it .It was a good bye note .

Who was it  I was saying goodbye to? I got blank ,I coul’nt remmember.I read further .It was a good bye note to diary .

Oh silly me. The letter said that” I m not going to write anything further, I m bored of you..”then  some goodies,some tear smaker things and the note ended.

I read it again but still coul’nt find the reason of that uncertain goodbye .Probably I was really bored of diary.Probably I might have found some real interesting people to hang around .

Whatever the reason would have been ,I wish I had not stopped writing.

I should not have left that lovely diary amid the clutter.I regretted my decision once made and decided to fill those empty pages again. To write only those happy moments to remember and cherish in future..GLad that I decided to clear the clutter. Glad that I found my diary

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Day 14 : Word Nagging

Dear ,

Please stop nagging me . I know how to do my stuff . If you keep telling me again and again the things i am ought to do and things i don’t do I would rather become defensive . I would prefer not to listen to you . I would shuff off and walk away . I don’t like you nagging me all the time .You make me feel petite and selfish . I feel Suffocated .I am not in considerate ,selfish , insensitive  as you decribe me . I have feelings . I get hurt when you keep taunting me .You all time nagging is making me a worse person , i am intentionally avoiding the things which you tell me to do , because in your eyes i am already a bad person , so i want to show you the  worse.

Please stop nagging me . Please don’t start the same things every day and night . Please understand that when i m unable to do something there might be a reason . I have lots of other things going in my mind . Cant you see i m stressed out . Cant you see  my appetite had reduced  ? Cant you see the small  grey hair shining over my head?? I m aging dear . I cant handle everything as i did before . I get tired . There is lot of work in office , and the kids are growing up , they keep me busy as well. I don’t get time dear . I am too occupied . I forget things  .I love you and want to do things as before but i m not able to do it .

Please understand dear . Please stop nagging me.

8

chapter 2- Found my love

Loosing some one fills the heart with sorrow and remorse . Especially someone who is close to your heart and loved dearly.The memories of the person keep haunting . The separation kills you within and life becomes difficult to live. I was going trough the same phase  , my small fragile heart was broken .I had lost my love, I have lost a dear friend. I felt  helpless as i dint knew the reason for this . All of a sudden all communication ended  , when you are so use to ,habitual and dependent  on one person and all of a sudden that person vanishes from you life you are not able to take it .You feel helpless , unwanted  and cheated .  I was also feeling the same , i felt it was a nightmare and when i’ll wake up everything will be back in place . But it was a reality . I cried , i sobbed  but soon accepted the reality . It was a difficult phase but time heals everything and life teaches you to leave the past behind and move on. It is well said that every cloud has a silver lining..Probably that breakup was a new start .A new beginning to rediscover myself.I had learnt to become strong , to hide the pain and walk forward. I too moved on.

Gradually that pain ceased, and I met someone special ,I met my hubby. With him life became beautiful .The very first time when i met him something triggered  , i got a strange feeling inside my stomach , my heart  was beating fast .Probably it was a sign, it was god’s way of telling me that my life is gonna change now .And soon it moved  with the speed of roller coaster ride  . Me and my prince charming got engaged  , we fell in love.. Finding love is a beautiful feeling , it changes you completely and gives you a different prospective about life. Now ,for me, life was colorful ,adventurous and happy there are ups and downs but I face them strongly because  I had found a person to stand by my side. A person whom I can trust blindly ,who will never leave my hand in any circumstance. I feel safe and secure  . I feel loved. He makes  me feel special. He made me fall in love with myself. With him I can just be myself . I can share anything and everything with him , i don’t have to think and speak  . He understands me ,he loves me . He is my best buddy , he’s my beloved hubby .I  don’t have to look beautiful  anymore because he loves me the way I m .  He loves me for the person I m. I M so lucky and happy to find him.  He completes me. I have seriously found true love, A true friend .I had found my soul mate. .

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Speak up !!

Some things are better left unsaid …

Does it happens with you that you want to say something but you are numb and not able to speak up ?? the words come to your  mouth but refuses to utter . Well it happens with me lot of times . I wanted to speak up , i wanted to enter the conversation but sometimes i hesitate while other times  i prefer not to evolve . Sometimes i think let it be , while other time i am too reluctant to speak as people are too judgmental these days , in case i uttered something that’s not legible ,they might have a wrong impression about me . Later i think probably it was good that i dint speak up , probably somethings are better left unsaid . Somethings which might hurt someone , insult someone or doesn’t have much sense should be left unsaid .

Wish i would have spoken –

I hardly had a time that i regretted that i  dint spoke, just once when i was working and i decided to quit the job .During the Exit interview  i dint said about all the shortcomings and problems i faced , i wish i should have  everything which me and other employees were going through ,probably the working conditions might have improved . But alas i quit the job just giving a stero type reason .

Better speak up :But be careful

Its better to speak your heart , so you leave no regrets behind. Probably speaking up might make the things better .It Its you who decide when to and when not to , because the ball is in  your court  Sometimes words can made wonders but sometimes it may cause blunders too. So Think and speak and better be careful with your words ,

.

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when i was twelve

I feel nostalgic thinking of old childhood days , wish I could live those days again . I have lots of good memories and moments to cherish. One of those were with my friend Richa. She was my first best buddy. Though we are not in much contact now but still when I remember those days I feel delighted and happy.

I was around 12 that time when my dad got transferred to ujjain. It was a new city,new place, new school. Initially I was very upset leaving my old friends and school and coming to new place but when I met Richa everything fell in place.She was also a new student ,so soon we became friends and later best friends. The new school was not so good as my previous one , and a major difference was it was co-education alike my previous girls school.Although acadamics wise it was great but curricular was not good enough. I made few friends, and as I was good in studies teachers also liked me so soon all I stated gelling with everyone.

Ujjain was a small religious town , lots of temples and pilgrims. There was hardly any place to freak about . I never liked the place that much .Unlike the city our house was very cool. We stayed in government quarter’s..It was a big house with huge garden .Surrounded by big tress ,plants ,and beautiful flowers. I remember spending time watering the plants every evening. It was so much fun. The Huge Nee, tree was my best buddy. I would sit in its shade and when the wind would blow I stood down to catch the dried leaves. It was silly but i enjoyed doing that .The surroundings of house was  was spacious  and there was a small gate amid the garden to the neighbors house . They were a small nice family . One talkative girl who was in to medical studies,and her over possessive parents they were real gem of people always there to help..

We had birthday parties ,get together n  gatherings at our place , we enjoyed a lot.  Though I dint liked  the city but every place leaves a impact on us . So was Ujjain. I always remember the days I spend there and cherish them in my heart.

1

Thoughts differ:

Arun and Maithly walked thorugh the park holding each other’s hands .

Maithly :

Maithly  wanted to have some time with her husband , some alone time away from the busy life ,amid the lush green  beauty of nature . They could not go for a vacation , but sometimes a little walk around the neighborhood could make a day ,so was today .It was Sunday morning windy , misty and cloud. She could hear the birds singing , feel the silent touch of wind on her face.She was enjoying the atmosphere . The perfect romantic climate . she clasp Arun’s hand and smiled. She was happpy , content  and felt safe . Lost in her own thoughts suddenly she realized Arun looked nervous ,his smile was fading away .He was looking at the old women sitting on the bench knitting a small red sweater .A tear rolled through Arun’s eyes . Maithly could understand Arun’s pain .She knew that old women brought back the memories of his mother . She took hold his hand tightly ,and gave him a comforting smile.

Arun .

Arun loved his wife . He had a important meeting this sunday morning but he could not upset Maithly so he decided to give some time to his beloved wife and then go for the meeting . While walking through the park his mind was occupied with many things .He was holding Maithlies hand , and realized how important she was to him .No work or meeting is important then her. He would do everything to make her happy .He smiled at her and kept walking . Suddenly he saw a  old women sitting at the bench .She resembled his mother so much . His mother who passed away a month ago.He looked at the old women closely , she was knitting a small red sweater .Looking at the sight , Arun could not stop his tears . Last time when he met his mother she wanted to give a hand Knitted sweater to Arun’s son . Arun just went back in the memories and felt nostalgic .Maithly clasped his hand tightly. He dint wanted to spoil Maithly’s mood  . He wiped  his tears , smiled  and walked further .

Old women.

She wanted to sit in sun . But annoyed that the weather so was cloudy today . She was having tough time knitting that sweater in that low sunlight. Hardly she could see the knitting treads properly . She adjusted her glasses and tried to concentrate . She saw Arun and Maithly standing at the corner of bench and staring at her . She got conscious and  gave a stern look at them and hid her small little sweater in her bag .

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Good old days

Every day becomes a celebration when you are with our loved one’s.I remember when I was a kid everyday when dad came back from office he use to bring something for us . Be it sweets , fruits, chocolates , pastries , cake or toys this was a every days routine . And on special occasions , Mom would cook all my favorite dishes. Be it dhokla,Pav bhaaji ,masala dosa, chocolate cake , paneer platter or anything I wanted to eat. Mom’s dishes were the best ones.
I could still feel that delightful taste  in my tounge.I love her cooking so much . And the day ended with the icecream treat.. yummy , mouth watering icecream.
I feel nostalgic remembering those days. Me and my brothers  enjoyed so much , celebrating those little occations , the happy moments .
As we grew older , my prefences of food changed . But samosa,paani puri,panner,icecream have always been and are my favroite cousine and  Mom cooked food tops the list.
With time the ways of celebration changed,now it was a lunch/dinner in a restaurant with family /   friends and food of eveyone’s choice.
But even today when I really want to cherish and enjoy the food I would eat one of my favorite all time paani  puri or Samosa.

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women the next door…

We shifted to a new society in mid of June last year. Though initially i was not so happy about the place and the neighborhood but soon I got settled. One person who was most supporting and helped in all transition was my new neighbor . She’s in her mid thirties  but looks fit and perfect. Small heighted , little plump,long hair, dressed in Salwar Kaameej symbolising the perfect Indian traditional women . Yet she’s  a metrosexual women. Manges the home, two kids ,and  bussiness. She’s popular in the society, everyone knows her and she waves to every one who passes by..
She’s loud spoken , extrovert and always there when you need a helping hand.
You can often see her busy, hurrying , rushing towards the stairs , talking over phone in one hand, and packets, boxes, bags in other. Just at a single sight one could tell she’s a busy women.
When I first met her, I could not understand her. I found her a little  weird, she would rush away in the middle of conversation, or suddenly shouts over her kids playing in the corner, or changed the topic abruptly. But later as I got to see her and know her closely I understood the real person .A simple living, middle class women ,living with her in-laws , husband and two kids. She manages everything so well . Gets up early ,does all cooking , cleaning, mending, laundry sends her kids to school and hubbysband to office. Sets everything in place for the in-laws then goes to her office.brings her kids from school , goes to gym  prepares dinner. Makes the bed . She does eveything to make her family and people around her happy  and little time she gets for herself ,she wants to be a helping hand to husband . She tries to earn some extra pennies ,sometimes by selling salwar suits fromhome, or other times arranging summer classes for kids.
Sometimes I really wonder , does she has more than 24 hrs s day?how come she manages so many things all by herself ,  Yet she looks happy,and her face glowing… When ever I see her jogging in the park I often think of asking her this question. But then she waves ,smiles and passes quickly. Probably she has all that energy and innerstrength which helps her to be the wonderful person she is.

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Letter to God !!I

Toady while jogging suddenly a paper  stumble across my shoes, while picking it up  ,i realized it was a notebook paper and something was scribbled on it . Tough not legible i  carefully read it  .Here it goes ..

Dear God ,

Mom says grandma is with you . Please send her back .i miss her very much

I promise i’ll be a good boy and never  ask for anything else .

Good boy,

Rahul

I was touched , a tear rolled . I looked up the sky and kept the paper in my pocket .I know god must have read it .