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Stop Judgeing me!!!

Yes i am a housewife , yes i live in the four boundaries of house , yes i am jobless right now .But don’t judge me for this , I am a housewife by choice , i live in the boundaries of four walls because they are not mere walls ,those bricks are the building blocks of everlasting relationship , a place which is much more then house , its my lovely home.

I made a choice to leave my career and job for raising  kid . I do not  regret that decision I am not a failure , i dint escaped , i can do multitasking but not at the sake of my kids upbringing . Today ,when i look in the eyes of my 3 yrs old , i am a proud mother . I have given her all the love and care which a day care or maid , or nany could not have given .

I feel content and satisfied ,i have trust in my capabilities,and i will get a good job when i want to and when i need to . And talent doesn’t have an expiry date. I know i am talented . Yes ,  i have a career break ,does that mean i wont give my 100% to job ??  does that  mean i wont be committed to work , does that mean my skills have expired ?does it means that i wont be able to cope up with the competitive world ?? The answer is BIG’ NO ‘ . You cant judge me for a career -break , who gave you the right to judge me ?? Who told you that i wont be committed to work .

Yes , my family is my priority , but that doesn’t means i wont be committed to work . My work is my worship. I work with passion and dedication .

do you understand why i dint worked till now?? because my kid needed that attention , but now my toddler has grown up, she goes to school i have enough time, and peace of mind to concentrate on work .So stop judging me .I am , what i ought to be .  I am , what i wanted to be .

A women can create and destroy , she can achieve much more than a man can do . But only a women can make sacrifices for family and kids .So stop judging them

Stop judging me  if i cry .I cry, because i am strong to face the challenges , i cry to let go the pain , I cry to heal the pain , i cry to rise from the past , I cry for the new beginning .

So stop judging me , let go your  prejudices and see the Real me .

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Proud and high!!

I m so proud of my daughter.She’s two and half year old ,a super active ,naughty, bubbly and very adorable baby. Though she amuses me every time with some of other thing but today it was not just like any other day. It was the annualday function at kindergarden.

When she came on state for the group dance  performance she was looking absolutely gorgeous and stunning. Dressed on that long Mexican frilled gown.dazzling colours and scarf.White beads necklace and small pretty smile on her face. She looked amazing.

The kids started dancing. It was the first stage performance of all the playgroup kids.Parents looked anxious and exited to see there lil ones in stage.They started dancing .It was a moment to capture. I can’t express my feelings in words.It was heavenly ..it was supreme.The most sweetest thing I have ever seen in my life. Imagine your small 2 yr old kid performing on state  with all that sweet cute little moves on the beats of the song. What can be more beautiful than this. My eyes were num… small tear of happiness dropped.She was dancing so well ..even much better than what I could have danced on stage. Me and my husband and other oatents were cheering them with joy ,happiness and feelings which are beyond expression.

I feel really proud and head high that she’s my daugher.Not just for that dance but for everything ..for every little things she doe.As I said, here my feelings are getting short of words.All I can say is I love her more than my life and can’t thank god enough for making me her mom.

 

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Summers!!

Hell with this outset of summer. Who said summer had just began ?  its already on its peak. The sun is bright and shiny the whole day.Even much before i wake up its there ,glowing ,burning ,illuminating with full strength.

This filthy heat is burning out and making me sick .It’s over my  freaking mind. I m not even able  to think. I don’t even feel control over words.. this heat is getting on my nerves. The blood in my veins is rushing  over my head and my face has turned red.I have bound myself in  the 4 walls of an air conditioned room otherwise my whole body will sweat out. 70%of body weight is water and m afraid,  if this heat will sweat out this amount of water  then probably I’ll disappear.

It’s so hot that I don’t think I need an oven to cook. I can probably cook chappies over my burning head.

I even think I don’t need to bake the cake.I can keep it out in sun,and without wasting electricity it will  be ready in few minutes. I also think I don’t need to add salt to my food anymore ,my sweat can probably add that flavor .Yuks .. I know I have stated blabbering out ,but as i said this heat can freak anybody out.And my dear Chennai has some extra kind of being humid ,hot and burning super all day and night and almost every time of the year. Privileged aren’t we? Cooking food seems to be so easy now and it’s gonna be super easy in coming months when the sun will show its extremities.

Summers ,i did like you some years back when you came  just for few months the year .when summers meant vacations . When summers could  change my wardrobe ,all cottons ,shorts,sleeveless can be worn out, the season to show off the style. To enjoy the long days,and sleep for small nights.Drink lots of juices ,play in water and dips in pool. But now ,I hate you..You stay for long .you have become so harsh and inhuman . I sweat all day ,I wait the day to finish ,so that at least night would be  little cooler. But you are wrapping the cooler nights also and making them so pale humid and hot alike you .I hate you for being so cruel . Please understand there are poor people and animals without shelter ,they can’t bear your hostility. Cool it down a little.Relax a little .so that we don’t hate you and welcome you as we do with other season’s . You are a season .Stay for a small session,for a small season. Don’t be so harsh ,understand our pain.

Oh God! My keyboard has stated sweating even …so I’ll stop here  ,and get some fresh air .. drink some chilled water ,relax and cool down.. you may keep loving this summer .

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Found…

We were packing our stuff to relocate  to a new apartment..I had to clear all the clutter ,pack the valuables safely and arrange everything in order. It was tough and messy job. .Reluctantly I statred doing ,and took hold of old boxes from the almirah. This box was full of old books,i wiped the dust out and started picking the books , some management books,some banking… some magazine’s and there underneth the corner I saw a diary .Carefully i took it, a certain feeling  happiness  filled my heart  as knew it was my old diary .It had so many memories within ,that diary was my beloved friend,my compamion  of sorrow. I dusted it  ,the soft denim cover which I had wrapped it  was still intact, the glitters still had there shine. As the pages fell in my hand I could feel that pleasant musty smell .I took it and sat near the window I wanted to read it all.

I admired myself for decorating and keeping it so well.  I had kept it there many years back.. still it was well .My handwriting looked so different. My language, my style everything looked different.I read it page by page ,  memories flashed across my eyes. I could still feel the pain i went through ,but the small happy moments which i have noted in that diary made me smile.I have almost forgotten them .It’s so strange we remember the worst ,bad moments and forget the happy times.The diary made me relive and cherish those moments again. I had a strange feeling ,I was happy and sad at the same time .

I went through the pages and found the poems I had written.I think those days my creative mind was on high spirts  .The poems were good ,as if someone else had written them .I could’nt beleive it was me writing them. They sounded mature and good. Proud of my lost skill I went further down the pages.I had scripped  lot of quotations  of renowed people around the world . I don’t remmember why I did so but all were indeed good. I came across the last page ,though there were still empty pages left but this was last written page .I stated to read it .It was a good bye note .

Who was it  I was saying goodbye to? I got blank ,I coul’nt remmember.I read further .It was a good bye note to diary .

Oh silly me. The letter said that” I m not going to write anything further, I m bored of you..”then  some goodies,some tear smaker things and the note ended.

I read it again but still coul’nt find the reason of that uncertain goodbye .Probably I was really bored of diary.Probably I might have found some real interesting people to hang around .

Whatever the reason would have been ,I wish I had not stopped writing.

I should not have left that lovely diary amid the clutter.I regretted my decision once made and decided to fill those empty pages again. To write only those happy moments to remember and cherish in future..GLad that I decided to clear the clutter. Glad that I found my diary

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Day 14 : Word Nagging

Dear ,

Please stop nagging me . I know how to do my stuff . If you keep telling me again and again the things i am ought to do and things i don’t do I would rather become defensive . I would prefer not to listen to you . I would shuff off and walk away . I don’t like you nagging me all the time .You make me feel petite and selfish . I feel Suffocated .I am not in considerate ,selfish , insensitive  as you decribe me . I have feelings . I get hurt when you keep taunting me .You all time nagging is making me a worse person , i am intentionally avoiding the things which you tell me to do , because in your eyes i am already a bad person , so i want to show you the  worse.

Please stop nagging me . Please don’t start the same things every day and night . Please understand that when i m unable to do something there might be a reason . I have lots of other things going in my mind . Cant you see i m stressed out . Cant you see  my appetite had reduced  ? Cant you see the small  grey hair shining over my head?? I m aging dear . I cant handle everything as i did before . I get tired . There is lot of work in office , and the kids are growing up , they keep me busy as well. I don’t get time dear . I am too occupied . I forget things  .I love you and want to do things as before but i m not able to do it .

Please understand dear . Please stop nagging me.

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chapter 2- Found my love

Loosing some one fills the heart with sorrow and remorse . Especially someone who is close to your heart and loved dearly.The memories of the person keep haunting . The separation kills you within and life becomes difficult to live. I was going trough the same phase  , my small fragile heart was broken .I had lost my love, I have lost a dear friend. I felt  helpless as i dint knew the reason for this . All of a sudden all communication ended  , when you are so use to ,habitual and dependent  on one person and all of a sudden that person vanishes from you life you are not able to take it .You feel helpless , unwanted  and cheated .  I was also feeling the same , i felt it was a nightmare and when i’ll wake up everything will be back in place . But it was a reality . I cried , i sobbed  but soon accepted the reality . It was a difficult phase but time heals everything and life teaches you to leave the past behind and move on. It is well said that every cloud has a silver lining..Probably that breakup was a new start .A new beginning to rediscover myself.I had learnt to become strong , to hide the pain and walk forward. I too moved on.

Gradually that pain ceased, and I met someone special ,I met my hubby. With him life became beautiful .The very first time when i met him something triggered  , i got a strange feeling inside my stomach , my heart  was beating fast .Probably it was a sign, it was god’s way of telling me that my life is gonna change now .And soon it moved  with the speed of roller coaster ride  . Me and my prince charming got engaged  , we fell in love.. Finding love is a beautiful feeling , it changes you completely and gives you a different prospective about life. Now ,for me, life was colorful ,adventurous and happy there are ups and downs but I face them strongly because  I had found a person to stand by my side. A person whom I can trust blindly ,who will never leave my hand in any circumstance. I feel safe and secure  . I feel loved. He makes  me feel special. He made me fall in love with myself. With him I can just be myself . I can share anything and everything with him , i don’t have to think and speak  . He understands me ,he loves me . He is my best buddy , he’s my beloved hubby .I  don’t have to look beautiful  anymore because he loves me the way I m .  He loves me for the person I m. I M so lucky and happy to find him.  He completes me. I have seriously found true love, A true friend .I had found my soul mate. .

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Speak up !!

Some things are better left unsaid …

Does it happens with you that you want to say something but you are numb and not able to speak up ?? the words come to your  mouth but refuses to utter . Well it happens with me lot of times . I wanted to speak up , i wanted to enter the conversation but sometimes i hesitate while other times  i prefer not to evolve . Sometimes i think let it be , while other time i am too reluctant to speak as people are too judgmental these days , in case i uttered something that’s not legible ,they might have a wrong impression about me . Later i think probably it was good that i dint speak up , probably somethings are better left unsaid . Somethings which might hurt someone , insult someone or doesn’t have much sense should be left unsaid .

Wish i would have spoken –

I hardly had a time that i regretted that i  dint spoke, just once when i was working and i decided to quit the job .During the Exit interview  i dint said about all the shortcomings and problems i faced , i wish i should have  everything which me and other employees were going through ,probably the working conditions might have improved . But alas i quit the job just giving a stero type reason .

Better speak up :But be careful

Its better to speak your heart , so you leave no regrets behind. Probably speaking up might make the things better .It Its you who decide when to and when not to , because the ball is in  your court  Sometimes words can made wonders but sometimes it may cause blunders too. So Think and speak and better be careful with your words ,

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Thoughts differ:

Arun and Maithly walked thorugh the park holding each other’s hands .

Maithly :

Maithly  wanted to have some time with her husband , some alone time away from the busy life ,amid the lush green  beauty of nature . They could not go for a vacation , but sometimes a little walk around the neighborhood could make a day ,so was today .It was Sunday morning windy , misty and cloud. She could hear the birds singing , feel the silent touch of wind on her face.She was enjoying the atmosphere . The perfect romantic climate . she clasp Arun’s hand and smiled. She was happpy , content  and felt safe . Lost in her own thoughts suddenly she realized Arun looked nervous ,his smile was fading away .He was looking at the old women sitting on the bench knitting a small red sweater .A tear rolled through Arun’s eyes . Maithly could understand Arun’s pain .She knew that old women brought back the memories of his mother . She took hold his hand tightly ,and gave him a comforting smile.

Arun .

Arun loved his wife . He had a important meeting this sunday morning but he could not upset Maithly so he decided to give some time to his beloved wife and then go for the meeting . While walking through the park his mind was occupied with many things .He was holding Maithlies hand , and realized how important she was to him .No work or meeting is important then her. He would do everything to make her happy .He smiled at her and kept walking . Suddenly he saw a  old women sitting at the bench .She resembled his mother so much . His mother who passed away a month ago.He looked at the old women closely , she was knitting a small red sweater .Looking at the sight , Arun could not stop his tears . Last time when he met his mother she wanted to give a hand Knitted sweater to Arun’s son . Arun just went back in the memories and felt nostalgic .Maithly clasped his hand tightly. He dint wanted to spoil Maithly’s mood  . He wiped  his tears , smiled  and walked further .

Old women.

She wanted to sit in sun . But annoyed that the weather so was cloudy today . She was having tough time knitting that sweater in that low sunlight. Hardly she could see the knitting treads properly . She adjusted her glasses and tried to concentrate . She saw Arun and Maithly standing at the corner of bench and staring at her . She got conscious and  gave a stern look at them and hid her small little sweater in her bag .

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Good old days

Every day becomes a celebration when you are with our loved one’s.I remember when I was a kid everyday when dad came back from office he use to bring something for us . Be it sweets , fruits, chocolates , pastries , cake or toys this was a every days routine . And on special occasions , Mom would cook all my favorite dishes. Be it dhokla,Pav bhaaji ,masala dosa, chocolate cake , paneer platter or anything I wanted to eat. Mom’s dishes were the best ones.
I could still feel that delightful taste  in my tounge.I love her cooking so much . And the day ended with the icecream treat.. yummy , mouth watering icecream.
I feel nostalgic remembering those days. Me and my brothers  enjoyed so much , celebrating those little occations , the happy moments .
As we grew older , my prefences of food changed . But samosa,paani puri,panner,icecream have always been and are my favroite cousine and  Mom cooked food tops the list.
With time the ways of celebration changed,now it was a lunch/dinner in a restaurant with family /   friends and food of eveyone’s choice.
But even today when I really want to cherish and enjoy the food I would eat one of my favorite all time paani  puri or Samosa.